Yappa Yappa Yappa

Shut it please.

In recent weeks I’ve been finding it harder and harder to publish on substack. What began as effortless inspiration through writing, has slowly morphed into well intentioned boredom. Drafting this post is my way of tracing the thought patterns that have lead me to such a vacant place.

To start, I’m not interested in the things I have to say these days, precisely because I spend most of my time thinking and saying, and only a fraction of my time doing.

The problem is that “thinking” and “saying” are speculative behaviours. They emphasize the habit of commentary, existing for the most part in an abstract sense.

You can ruminate on ideas and revelations for as long as you want, but if they are not actualized in some way, they remain confined to the imaginary.

Doing on the other hand is a substantive behaviour. “To do” is a creative act that literally animates life. A life, after all, is first lived - not described. It can only be critiqued after it has taken shape.

This shape, is formed through many different doings and the realities that follow. Lessons, questions, passions.

I think of the way the French language treats verbs. “Manger” in english - “to eat”. “Parler” - “to talk”. The preposition “to” implies that the action itself gives direction, and this, this, is what feels so important to me in this moment.

Caught at the intersections of life, it is second nature to think and think and think, hoping to acquire a level of certainty that will make action feel possible, or even more so - safe.

Ironically, this is a dangerous place to be because it waits for an assurance that can never truly arrive.

I imagine this is why writing has been so frustrating lately. The ideas i’ve considered discussing are mostly things I’ve thought about over and over and over again. After a certain point, they are no longer stimulating to consider.

This is the burden of intellectualizing. We beat our most captivating ideas into a pulp.

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Having said all of this, the call to action that I feel at this point is not about doing anything for the sake of it. Taken in a literal sense, I have been doing many things everyday. I often even say that I’m busy, which is true.

The more relevant truth is that I’ve found a routine that allows a passive form of doing. Week to week, I’m able to manage a set of “responsibilities” that ensure I’m safe, fed and comfortable.

The fact is that working to be safe, fed and comfortable is driving me insane. It is leading to a level of dissociation that I just can’t accept.

The emphasis for me then, is on doing new and meaningful things. Things that stretch the mind and body beyond what they’ve known thus far.

Applying for a new job that I may not qualify for. Considering that masters program that’s expensive and hard to get into. Continuing the conversation with the girl who said she liked my shoes.

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It goes without saying that doing anything at all requires thought. My concern is in the space between thought and action. For the perfectionists and the “self aware”, trying to measure the optimal level of thought is what typically incites overthinking.

This is my current focus. Taking on challenging endeavours, without thinking myself out of the game.

My hope is for the doing to be so captivating, to require so much dedication, that I temporarily lose myself in it. For the life that I lead to be so full that reflection is but a peripheral behaviour, to adjust and refocus.

The fortune cookie version of this post says;

One cannot be too aware of his life, or it will escape him.